Summer has been threatening to to appear. Not in a really threatening way, only in a sort of threatening way. It has been making guest appearances off and on for the past few weeks, where it will show up for maybe 48 hours, and be like, “Watch out bitches, it’s on,” and then it will disappear, and be like, “Suckahs.” And that makes me be like, “Bitch.”

It also makes me be like, “I should buy self-tanner now while I can still wear jeans to cover up my legs if they turn out orange.”

So I e-mailed the Great and Powerful Best Friend about it, to tell her to do the same thing. It’s my job to attend to her care and feeding, you know.

“We need to start thinking about which self-tanner we are going to use for the summer,” I wrote.

She responded with, “We already have self tanners chosen and have stocked up while it was cheap during the winter months. Word.”

You can see she does not attend to my care and feeding with the same diligence in which I attend to hers.

“Oh,” I wrote back. “When can I expect my shipment to arrive in the mail? And I assuming it will arrive with my free gift of almond body scrub, lotion and shower gel.”

She gave me that almond stuff for Christmas. It was totally awesome, so I have been asking her lately if that was a one-time offer or a year-long subscription.

She responded to both request with something snarky that meant, “Never.”

So now the spaces between my fingers are a lovely shade of burnt orange where I didn’t wipe off the self-tanner after I put it on my legs. It said to wash your hands afterwards, but I was like, whatever, I’m not doing that, the same way that I’m like, whatever, I’m not doing that, about filtering tap water. Whatever. I’m not doing that.

And now I am orange. And probably have leukemia from the water.

Please note that at the Great and Powerful Best Friend’s house, they drink filtered water.

And have a stockpile of self-tanner, in case of Armageddon and there is a rush on self-tanner, because you want to be tan for a high-profile event like that. They probably also use almond body scrub, lotion and shower gel.

And that makes me be like, “Bitch.”