Comments on: Fred, That Jackass http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/ Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:34:23 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.1.3 By: Midwestern 007 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-12 Midwestern 007 Fri, 04 May 2007 17:00:17 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-12 Actually, I just figured it out. It's a cheap form of a polygraph test. Since they have mind-readers at the CIA, they know your answer before you do. They're just finding out if you lie or not. It's an integrity test. (We should invent one of these for when you go to a bar to look for men.) Genius. I have GOT to get hired at the CIA. YOU WANT TO HIRE ME DON'T YOU, CIA? BECAUSE I JUST PROVED I THINK LIKE YOU. Actually, I just figured it out.

It’s a cheap form of a polygraph test. Since they have mind-readers at the CIA, they know your answer before you do.

They’re just finding out if you lie or not. It’s an integrity test.

(We should invent one of these for when you go to a bar to look for men.)

Genius. I have GOT to get hired at the CIA.

YOU WANT TO HIRE ME DON’T YOU, CIA? BECAUSE I JUST PROVED I THINK LIKE YOU.

]]> By: haircutter http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-13 haircutter Fri, 04 May 2007 17:26:57 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-13 Flying. Flying.

]]> By: j http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-14 j Fri, 04 May 2007 19:10:11 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-14 It's also a test of liability. Possessing any of the superpowers A-D, they know they can handle you. They build shit for those exact reasons. If you can fly they can shoot you down. If you have x-ray vision they can take away your eyes. If you have superhuman strength that doesn't mean you're not suceptable to technology and ginormous machines. And even if you could read their minds and new when they were going to come after you, they'd have thought of that first, and everyone knows that ESP is disruptable by the force field of stupidity they are erecting at this very moment all over the world. Now assuming that invisibility carries with it the ability to be undetectable even by night-vision or infrared technology, or anything else they've been using to find stars and planets in outter space, then they can't get to you, obviously because they can't see you. The only acceptable SUPERpower is the ability to bend the will of men, exhibited by the most salacious of women, though not possible even for Bruce Almighty. (And yes, I was using men as the plural form for men and women, but it works even better that way.) I need a nap... and then a drink... It’s also a test of liability. Possessing any of the superpowers A-D, they know they can handle you. They build shit for those exact reasons.
If you can fly they can shoot you down. If you have x-ray vision they can take away your eyes. If you have superhuman strength that doesn’t mean you’re not suceptable to technology and ginormous machines. And even if you could read their minds and new when they were going to come after you, they’d have thought of that first, and everyone knows that ESP is disruptable by the force field of stupidity they are erecting at this very moment all over the world. Now assuming that invisibility carries with it the ability to be undetectable even by night-vision or infrared technology, or anything else they’ve been using to find stars and planets in outter space, then they can’t get to you, obviously because they can’t see you.
The only acceptable SUPERpower is the ability to bend the will of men, exhibited by the most salacious of women, though not possible even for Bruce Almighty. (And yes, I was using men as the plural form for men and women, but it works even better that way.)
I need a nap… and then a drink…

]]> By: anotherdamnguy http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-15 anotherdamnguy Fri, 04 May 2007 19:14:30 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-15 Just found my way over here, and may i be the 312th person to state how happy i am that mela's continuing her enlightening, entertaining and inspiring blog... Just found my way over here, and may i be the 312th person to state how happy i am that mela’s continuing her enlightening, entertaining and inspiring blog…

]]> By: Mom http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-18 Mom Sat, 05 May 2007 19:10:16 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-18 Me, too. Mom Me, too.
Mom

]]> By: O.C.T. http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-19 O.C.T. Mon, 07 May 2007 17:40:27 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-19 As choices of superpowers go, most of those are pretty pedestrian. I don't know that I share your passion for naked teleporting, but it certainly presents a wider realm of intriguing possibilities than most of these. Sure, flying would be cool for awhile, but once the novelty wore off would it really be worth the sun damage you'd get whizzing around above the clouds? Plus there is no mention of how fast one would be able to fly, but I'm thinking teleporting (though not necessarily of the naked variety) would be a much more efficient form of transportation and make much less of a spectacle of you. X-Ray vision has to be the most overrated superpower ever. It's not like it lets you see what's going on around the world. If I want to see what's going on the other side of my cubicle wall, it's not that big a deal to just walk the three steps. But I really don't want to see, thus I kill time pondering stuff like this. Superhuman strength would be good for winning bar bets, but once word got around, anytime anyone needed furniture moved, you know who they'd call. Not to mention the whole new avenue of harrassment it would open up for the girlfriend. "You have superhuman strength, yet you can't carry your dishes to the sink when you're finished?" "All those muscles of steel, you'd think you'd be able to open that closet door and put your clothes away". "So you carried your brother's futon up to his 3rd floor walk-up with one hand, yet you can't carry on a sexual encounter for more than 4 minues..." ESP would be pretty cool, but I find that most people give themselves away sooner than later if you observe carefully enough. Mind reading ability would just make me lazy. And if ESP means seeing the future, what good does that do, unless you can also change it? If I'm going to fall down a manhole tomorrow morning and be eaten by mutant rats, I'd rather be surprised. At least that way I can enjoy Game 1 of Utah/Golden State tonight. So I guess, by process of emilination, invisibility it is. No real down side there, assuming you can turn it on and off at will. And you would never have to pay for another cover charge or movie ticket again... As choices of superpowers go, most of those are pretty pedestrian. I don’t know that I share your passion for naked teleporting, but it certainly presents a wider realm of intriguing possibilities than most of these. Sure, flying would be cool for awhile, but once the novelty wore off would it really be worth the sun damage you’d get whizzing around above the clouds? Plus there is no mention of how fast one would be able to fly, but I’m thinking teleporting (though not necessarily of the naked variety) would be a much more efficient form of transportation and make much less of a spectacle of you. X-Ray vision has to be the most overrated superpower ever. It’s not like it lets you see what’s going on around the world. If I want to see what’s going on the other side of my cubicle wall, it’s not that big a deal to just walk the three steps. But I really don’t want to see, thus I kill time pondering stuff like this. Superhuman strength would be good for winning bar bets, but once word got around, anytime anyone needed furniture moved, you know who they’d call. Not to mention the whole new avenue of harrassment it would open up for the girlfriend.

“You have superhuman strength, yet you can’t carry your dishes to the sink when you’re finished?”

“All those muscles of steel, you’d think you’d be able to open that closet door and put your clothes away”.

“So you carried your brother’s futon up to his 3rd floor walk-up with one hand, yet you can’t carry on a sexual encounter for more than 4 minues…”

ESP would be pretty cool, but I find that most people give themselves away sooner than later if you observe carefully enough. Mind reading ability would just make me lazy. And if ESP means seeing the future, what good does that do, unless you can also change it? If I’m going to fall down a manhole tomorrow morning and be eaten by mutant rats, I’d rather be surprised. At least that way I can enjoy Game 1 of Utah/Golden State tonight.

So I guess, by process of emilination, invisibility it is. No real down side there, assuming you can turn it on and off at will. And you would never have to pay for another cover charge or movie ticket again…

]]> By: haircutter http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-20 haircutter Mon, 07 May 2007 20:14:24 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-20 O.C.T.- dude, you have crushed my groove. Get offa my cloud! Flying- get stuck in traffic? No. Get harrassed by officers of the law? No. Do some free fallin'? Yes. Feel the wind in all of your hairs? Yes. I don't wanna fly above the clouds up in the atmosphere, I wanna fly just above the treetops and see all the ants marching. O.C.T.- dude, you have crushed my groove. Get offa my cloud!

Flying- get stuck in traffic? No. Get harrassed by officers of the law? No. Do some free fallin’? Yes. Feel the wind in all of your hairs? Yes.

I don’t wanna fly above the clouds up in the atmosphere, I wanna fly just above the treetops and see all the ants marching.

]]> By: e.l. http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-21 e.l. Mon, 07 May 2007 20:40:10 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-21 i'd fly. to hell with commuting. superhuman strength would just be freakish. i’d fly. to hell with commuting.

superhuman strength would just be freakish.

]]> By: el. http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-22 el. Mon, 07 May 2007 20:41:20 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-22 (p.s. your menu at the top isn't working) (p.s. your menu at the top isn’t working)

]]> By: November http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-25 November Tue, 08 May 2007 20:15:39 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-25 Ok, here's my take on superpowers. (I know, who cares really? but whatevs) Superpowers are an allegory for how we'd like to be. The selection reveals insights of one's psyche. A) Flying - people who have trouble traveling/being places on time. Also feel to unconstrained. B) X-ray vision - those who seek to know what's hidden. But i agree with OCT that this is more an auxillary power. Being able to see clairvoyantly would be better. C) Superstrength is for those with no control. It's the fantasy of being able to beat the bullies you couldn't in childhood. (Incredible Hulk plotlines center around his being an abused child) D) ESP is for all my evil ex-girlfriends since they all obviously knew more about what I was thinking. ;) E) Invisibilty is somewhat untrustworthy in character, as in you have something to hide. I'd never find out were I Invisible, as I'd never make it out of the women's locker room. Fill in the blank answer: shapechanging, lets out a more mercurial personality. BUT, close runner up - magneto shit, just for the benefit on parallel parking. Ok, here’s my take on superpowers. (I know, who cares really? but whatevs)

Superpowers are an allegory for how we’d like to be. The selection reveals insights of one’s psyche.

A) Flying - people who have trouble traveling/being places on time. Also feel to unconstrained.

B) X-ray vision - those who seek to know what’s hidden. But i agree with OCT that this is more an auxillary power. Being able to see clairvoyantly would be better.

C) Superstrength is for those with no control. It’s the fantasy of being able to beat the bullies you couldn’t in childhood. (Incredible Hulk plotlines center around his being an abused child)

D) ESP is for all my evil ex-girlfriends since they all obviously knew more about what I was thinking. ;)

E) Invisibilty is somewhat untrustworthy in character, as in you have something to hide. I’d never find out were I Invisible, as I’d never make it out of the women’s locker room.

Fill in the blank answer: shapechanging, lets out a more mercurial personality.

BUT, close runner up - magneto shit, just for the benefit on parallel parking.

]]> By: Annie O http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-30 Annie O Wed, 09 May 2007 15:08:15 +0000 http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/05/04/fred-that-jackass/#comment-30 You know, the CIA reads all of this. It's a test. You know, the CIA reads all of this. It’s a test.

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