Jesus is coming.

Wanna know how I know? Because I’ll tell you.

The temperature keeps changing by about ten degrees everyday. There was a frost yesterday, when the weekend before it was in the 80s. That’s God fucking with us, because he’s about to blow our shit out of the water. He’s gonna be like, “Armageddon, bitches, how you like me now?” And that’s when we will all be sorry that I constantly say things like “Christ on a cross” because I will be the first one to burst into flame.

Actually, probably not. I mean that I probably won’t burst into flame, not that everyone won’t be sorry if I do. We all like to brag that we’re going to burst into flame, but really, we’re mostly decent people. I can’t imagine God would kick your shit right out of heaven for stuff like pre-marital sex or harmless unanticipated make-out sessions in bars when you were mostly a decent person you’re whole life. Plus, I’m pretty sure God invented unanticipated make-out sessions in bars. They taste too much like sugar-coated gumdrops to come from anything else.

Really they usually taste like beer and cigarettes, but you can see what I’m getting at. If not, go make out in a bar and report back to me. Even if God kicks you out of heaven, you’ll be like, “It was worth it, suckahs.”

And you better hurry, because I’m telling you, Armageddon is on it’s way any day now, and Jesus is going to land, and you’re going to be like, “Shit. I should have made out.”

I’m telling you, Jesus is coming.

Look busy.