“I am so sorry. It is devastating, and you’re doing everything you can possibly do, which is, as you’re discovering, not even remotely up to the task. The only thing that can fix an absence is a presence, and he’s not coming back, so there’s no fixing it.

But there are things that will make the pain more bearable, and they are, fortunately, built in. One is time. The other is your humanity. We are not wired to feel intense things for long periods of time. This can be comforting especially when you’re in one of those scary times when you’re feeling just so -much- that you think you’re going to break. You won’t, and the sheer volume of emotion will recede, a little and then a little more and then a little more, and you’ll start to feel little spots of near-normalcy. You might already be close. You’ll still get intensely emotional, but with growing spans in between.

And another thing is memory. Just as someone you love is alive for you for the days or weeks between phone calls, your father is alive for you in your memory. You were so lucky to have had him; that’s what your intense grief is telling you.

And finally you have what you learned from your father. You have an emotional memory to carry with you as a known source of comfort, and if and when something like it comes your way again, you’ll know it and appreciate it, as you appreciated him.

Even this won’t feel like much. But everyone who has felt what you’re feeling is rooting for you now. Hang in there.”