“Every dude in this bar is wearing a polo shirt.”
She scanned the bar. Which also happened to be in a basement, making it both really dark and a bit of a fire hazard.
“There does seem to be a disproportionate amount of polo shirts in here,” she said. She made the weighing scales motion with her hands, one hand up, the other down, up and down, up and down. “That should be a key factor in our assessment of bars: the ratio polo shirts to t-shirts. Disporportionate polo shirts. What do you think that means?”
“I think it means all these guys are east coast,” I said.
“Is that bad?”
“Yeah, dude. It means these boys come from breeding,” I continued. “They’ve been bred. It means they went to private schools for high school and then moved on to the Ivy League, or even worse private liberal arts schools in Maine, like Bowdoin.”
“Where?” she asked.
“Exactly.”
Girls from west of the Mississippi have not only never heard of colleges like Bowdoin, we think that they are gay. Just like polo shirts.
“I see,” she said. “These boys are pedigree.”
“Dude, exactly. Pedigree. And we don’t have any of that where we come from. The only Pedigree we have is dog food.”*
“These people are dog food,” she said.
“Yup, this is a total dog food bar,” I said. “Dude, I think my big ginormous purse is a turn-off. I think it’s scaring boys away.”
“What?”
“Look at that girl over there, she looks really cute, but then she has that ginormous purse, and that just says ‘I’m high maintenance,’ and that’s a problem for these dog food people. I think I need to leave my big purse at home, it’s definitely working against us.”
I decided to continue talking because this monologue seemed to be animating my mojo.
“Plus, I think we need to look really engaged, like we didn’t just come here to scam on boys, like we came here for the obvious ambience and each other’s engaging company. Like when I just laughed really huge and loud, that looked like we were really intriguing and didn’t give a fuck about the boys around us. That makes boys want you. When you don’t give a fuck about them.”
“Right,” she said. “Like when I did that weighing scales move with my hands, that looked really engaging. Boys looked at us and they didn’t know if we were talking about a math problem or a new algorithim or what. They would have to come and talk to us.”
“Exactly.”
“Let’s leave.”
“Yeah, I feel like we need to leave before some boy from Bowdoin tries to diss us because we aren’t dog food.”
“Do you need to use the ladies’ or anything?”
“Yeah. I’ll be back.”
I walked over to the ladies’, which was really a joint men’s and ladies’. Some dude in a pink polo shirt snarled at me.
“The line starts back here,” he said.
Oooooh. I bet he gets laid left and right. I decided I didn’t need to use the ladies’ that badly.
“Dude, let’s leave,” I said.
“Yeah,” she said. “Let’s leave.”
I guess we showed them.
*In my reteling of these events, the dialogue is sometimes punched up a bit to make me sound funnier than I really am. I never do this for her. That’s because it’s my blog. If you want the version where she’s funny, you have to go to her blog
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You forgot to mention the khaki pants. Most of them were wearing khaki pants. I wasn’t there but I know those guys. I used to work with those guys. My brother is one of those guys. That’s why I left.
I have a (as in a single) Polo shirt that was given to me (by the brother mentioned a moment ago). I removed the little horsey-guy with an exacto-blade and covered up the remains with a “vote blue” button. Sometimes, when the mood strikes, I replace the button with a Superman button.
I own no khaki pants.
Dude, so help me, I’m getting my own little pink Vespa and coming after you.
Dude, you are hot. Pants or not.
Mela, you have an excessive amount of polos shirts in the male population. In the homeland we are battling too much camo print. The junk is everywhere.
Camo was cute when 20 to early 30 somethings were wearing it. It was renegade. Now 50 year old guys chasing toddlers around Target are wearing it. For God’s sake, stop the madness. I would take some polo right now over camo.
Does the polo bother you because it harkens back to HIGHSCHOOL? Prepi boys of the homeland in pastel polo shirts and plaid shorts wearing vans and Kswiss shoes? The stuff of nightmares.
I remember hanging out with you that one night a long time ago I said that Mr. November wasn’t what I thought he would look like.
Mela: ‘What did ya think he would look like?’
Derek: ‘Sort of a pretty boy.’
Mela: ‘..but he is a pretty boy..’
I just don’t see you being with a preppy pretty boy. You deserve more. They would be so lucky to spend a night with you. btw, I miss your firey red hair.
November is a pretty boy?? Is he preppy?? I was under the impression he was a tough guy sort…. more jeans and black leather. And whips.
Mela, polo shirts exist within a 10 mile radius of every college campus, mall, and trendy Irish pub. The real nightmare is the over starched popped collar shielding their necks from getting burned. It is metrosexuality gone wild.
November is a lovely young man. He is not preppy. He owns his very own leather jacket, looks lovely in jeans and owns ropes and restraints. He is a lovely young man you would take home to mama and then tie to the posts of your childhood bed. You know how it is.
Jeezus make me blush while I’m chompin’ on my cereal why don’t you?! What the hell are you doing posting at 2am when you said you wouldn’t come out to the bar? Ah well…
Here’s the problem with preppy in a nut shell: lack of imagination. Just shows a vapid blandness… Certainly there is such thing as TOO much imagination in what you wear… I never know if I crossed the line, but then I’m wearing a kilt to work. That’s right, a kilt. And sandals. Feel like I’m at the beach…
Hey! Mela, I think it’s time you tell the story about the burger, just to splash some water on things. Any who, cheers, y’all.
Bitch, did you ask me to come out to the bar last night? No. So quit your whining. Sometimes a girl can’t sleep, yo.
polo shirts are very casual and stylish indeed, most of the time i use polo shirts ~..
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