There are some things you shouldn’t do, like stick things up your nose or put icky things in your mouth. When I was in kindergarten, this boy in my class, his name was Terry, stuck the wheel of a matchbox car up his nose and his mom had to come get him and take him to the ER because they couldn’t get it out. You shouldn’t do shit like that. ‘Cause it’s dangerous.
Today is a review of various dangerous things, because we all need a good reminder. For example, all men need to get annual check-ups for colon and prostate cancer. I know they are uncomfortable exams. I don’t give a shit. Suck it up and save your life.
Along the same lines, all women need to get annual pap smears. I know they are uncomfortable. I don’t give a shit. Suck it up and save your life.
While we are discussing different ways to save your life, let’s add this one: look carefully before you commit to someone. Predators are not clearly marked. Things to watch out for (these all refer to ‘he’ because I’m a girl):
- He won’t introduce you to his family: There’s usually a reason for that. Like his wife or his girlfriend or something like that.
- He doesn’t like you to spend time your own family: There’s usually a reason for that too, like it’s easier to make you feel like shit about yourself when there’s no one around to tell you differently. And it’s easier to control you if there’s no one else for you to depend on.
- He hits on your girlfriends: What better way to get rid of your girlfriends and make you insecure? If you think you’re going to lose him, you’re easier to manipulate.
- Relationship problems are always your fault: For example, you fight all the time because you are unreasonable, demanding and insecure. He didn’t come home last night because you’ve made home an uncomfortable place by causing fights all the time.
- He’s rude to your friends and colleagues: Again, easier to control you if he pushes away your support group.
- There are lots of emergencies and he has to break dates, or he can only call during certain times: That’s usually ’cause of his wife or girlfriend, too.
- He always borrows money: Seriously, he’s a big boy, he can support himself.
- Pacing: If he starts out being into you 24/7, it’s not infatuation. It’s smothering.
- He’s armed: Seriously, if he has access to a weapon, make sure he respects it. Dude get funny around guns- they either know a gun’s power and respect it or they start swaggering around like John Wayne with an itchy trigger finger.
- He’s rude to the waitress: If he’s rude to the waitress, have no doubt that’s how he’ll be treating you in three months.
Seriously. This happens to smart women all the time. Look for the red flags and listen to your gut. And don’t stick random shit up your nose.
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Listen to Mela. Mela is a genius. Mela knows everything. Mela is right.
Also, listen to yourself.
That’s generally always right, too.
But if that’s in doubt, just ask Mela if your Self is right.
She’ll know.
Mela,
All Oedipal references aside my Dad always used to tell us boys “respect your Mother” as we got older (past the parents don’t know what they’re talking about phase) he told us that that the way a man treats his mother is the way he will treat his wife…again all references to Freudian theories excluded. Although not always easy to verify in the earliest stages of a relationship definitely use the “Mom” litmus test down the road…and of course the creepy Freudian references.
I will concur with M007, Mela is truth.
11. He’s clearly an a-hole.
12. Colleques, friends, co-workers, family all tell you to be careful or to get rid of him and you ignore them thinking all of them just don’t understand him the way you do. They all see it and you don’t. Listen to them ’cause for some reason you’re not seeing the danger–and it’s not because you’re in love, it’s because you’re just happy someone is paying attention to you. Don’t be desperate; be safe.
13. He doesn’t let you read important papers — like previous divorce papers, custody papers, bank records — he just tells you about them. But deep down, you know something just doesn’t add up. He’s a lying bastard — make your escape quickly.
Why do we go in & out of the same relationships? Hindsight is great–I can see it from here. But some how I can’t see it going into the next relationship and bam there I am back in it again. Each time a little different. Last time drugs; this time no drugs. Last time mean & controlling; this time nicer but still controlling. More subtle. Jeez. Are they picking me; am I that vulnerable looking? An easy score? Am I doomed to attracting the wrong kind of guy?
beentheredonethat,
You’re so not doomed. I refuse to believe that anyway, because I have to.
I highly recommend the book Mela recommends (because Mela is right), “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” It’s like a manual for how to avoid them, and for who their prey are.
Also, therapy. Therapy is good. It’s made me a semi genius.
Though not as genius as Mela. I think you have to go to school for that.
Good luck, and you’re not alone, nor are you doomed. For serious.
beenthere: not only is Mel a genius, but so is (at least )one of her friends. in fact, i pulled the following comment from M’s previous blog — it was written by one M’s wise girl friends (who, obviously, hasbeentheredonethat) ….
“Hope in the face of reasons not to hope is a clear waste of time. But it took me years to learn that.
I learned, despite my desire to be open-minded and nonjudgemental, that the writing is usually on the wall - and often very early.
It was only when I started being a little more judgemental and walking away early (which not coincidentally happened at the same time I determined to have more respect for myself) that I found the man who is so, so right for me.
Being open-minded and nonjudgemental does not mean ignoring the writing on the wall or making excuses or creating acceptable stories for why someone behaves badly.
That’s the kind of hope that is a waste of time.”
Ugh. I had a guy once tell me that he and HIS MOTHER were building a bed for he and I to use once I moved in. Uh, no thanks
Thanks for the support. I’m trying to keep my eyes & mind open, when the people around me are less than enthusiastic about who I’m seeing. I know they can see things I don’t. And I battle the: “Well, they just don’t know him like I do” thoughts that go through my head. And I don’t want to put the guy through a background check–like hire someone to look into him–that just seems too paranoid. I’ll check out the book, too.
One of the things this book talks about is what the “predator” guy looks for in a woman. I suspect they target only the women they know they can hook. The woman is flattered that someone likes me and feels fulfilled (at least in some measure) that she is not doomed to living the single life and is not that all important “couple.” If she’s put half the time into researching the guy before becoming lost in love as she does in buying the latest geeky electronic toy, or new car, or new computer, or new facial scrub, she might get the distance that’s needed to make a better decision. The question is: How do you not be the person that gets selected by these guys?
Mela,
How did I ever luck out and find your eventual dad?
I never read the manual, but I knew girls who needed to.
I just knew a jerk when I saw him, even though your Secret Service grandfather labeled every guy who came through the homestead door a “jerk.”
Huggie buggies,
Mother
Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once:
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michelle_Dubois)
I rarely plug books, as it’s the social version of assigning homework. However, this directly addressing the question of repeat customers in one’s dating patterns. And, I personally think it’s awesome. So there. Feel free to disagree, but if you’re serious about trying to figure out why you’re with the same person over and over:
Keeping the Love You Find by Harville Hendrix, PhD.
He’s got a million versions, for couples, singles whatever.
14. He calls you a slut when you wear a skirt and a lame-ass when you wear pj’s.
15. She says she is not into money before asking what line of work you are in.
16. She works at CVS but has an authentic Prada handbag, 60 inch flat screen tv, and her two ex boyfriends on speed dial.
17. He/She calls you more than 10 times a day to tell you they love you.
18. Leave you messages wondering why you dont answer every time they call.
19. He lists Ike Turner as his idol.
20. She lists Glenn Close her idol.
17.
21. He calls you fat when you’re in baggy sweats. (No, not Zel. It was a boyfriend that was quick to get the boot when I was young and skinny).
22. Sits outside of the store you work in at the mall, and just watches you work.