This is my new idea for winter. It’s awesome.

I’m going to buy a coat with a fake fur collar and when people get indignant and ask, “Is that real fur?” I’m going to say, “Yes. It’s made from puppies.”

That’s hilarious.

Last night, I locked myself out of my apartment. For the fourth time.

I did not use my regular locksmith this time, as I threw away his card. Last time this happened, my landlord told me to just give him a call and he would let me in, no locksmith needed. That was after he completely replaced the deadbolt on my door because the locksmith had to drill through it.

I thought that third locksmith was fairly poor. The first two locksmiths picked the lock no problem. But that third one- he tried for a solid 20 minutes and then he had to bust out the drill. One of my neighbors poked his head out to inquire about the ruckus. Once he saw it was me, he poked his head right back into his apartment, as he hates me. He threatened to sue me when the City Paper hired me. I thought that was a bit extreme. He was really worried I was going to write about him, even though nothing ever goes on in his life. I know because I live about four feet away from him.

This locksmith didn’t even give it 20 minutes. He looked at the lock and said, “Oh…this is not good.” Apparently my landlord installed the mother of all locks.

It’s times like this I wish I knew a really accomplished burglar. 

I tried to take notes during the picking of the lock, so I would be prepared should this happen again in the future, the likelihood of which is apparently quite high. That, however, did me no good.

He had to bust out the drill.

I stepped away during the drilling process, as there were slivers of metal flying everywhere and I was not equipped with the appropriate eyewear. Neither was the locksmith, which concerned me, but who am I, the eyewear police?

Apparently, my neighbors are not any kind of police either. No one poked their heads out this time to inquire about the ruckus, which was occurring at 10:30 at night. They did not seem to be too concerned about any drilling that was going on in the building. That made me feel not very safe.Considering the last drilling took place more than a year ago, it’s not like this is a regular event.  And this was some serious drilling, as far as drilling goes. Three drill bits broke off in the bolt during the process. So it’s not like it was amatuer drill night or anything. This was a decent-sized ruckus.

Note to self: If self is experiencing abnormal ruckus late at night, neighbors will not be alarmed. Learn judo.

Thankfully for everyone, he finally cracked the mother-lock. Most thankfully for me, because I really needed to use the ladies’ room. Plus, I live there. It’s where all my stuff is.

I’m going to try and avoid a repeat performance of the lock situation. It’s getting a little tedious. And I don’t know how my landlord will feel about changing my lock on a regular basis.

This is yet another reason everyone should know a really accomplished burglar.