I so totally did not make this up. Wanna know how you know that I didn’t make this up? BECAUSE I AM NOT THIS FUCKING TALENTED. THERE IS NO WAY I COULD MAKE UP SOMETHING THIS GOOD. This is sheer poetry.

This young man recently contacted me via an online dating site. His profile is as follows: –I’ve bolded my personal favorite parts and added some of my own commentary in italics. I’d post a red-line version to correct his world-class grammar, but this blogging software doesn’t support that. And that would be douche-baggy.–

Insert Douchebaggy Screen Name, Left Out To Save My Ass From Libel Charges Should Someone Actually Locate This Blog, Know This Guy And Get Persnickity

“I am 6ft, 195lbs, athletic and considered “tall, dark and sexy..” by all women…:) I did not post close up pics for privacy reasons. ( plus I don’t want you to love/lust after me only for my looks …:) Therefore, do not ask for additional photos (just because you have posted a lot of yours …:) Instead, meet me in person…;;;; and fall in love/ or lust …:)

“My decision to maintain my online privacy was based strictly on my involvement in high profile business ventures. Nothing else. My time is extremely valuable and limited to devote to this online process. I prefer the initial exchange of information/introduction over the phone. If we click mentally, only then we should meet. I absolutely do not want to waste my time (& yours). I believe my suggested logical and interactive filtering process could help accomplish this objective. If you agree, continue reading and I would love to get to know you further. (No thanks, I prefer my mandated illogical and isolated filtering process)

“I am looking for a genuinely feminine woman with an outgoing personality, confidence, positive mental attitude, and a true passion to live life to the fullest. If you see yourself with a very successful, and confident man and have the depth of personality, and a great sense of humor, you and I probably will get along. I seek a woman who with her sensual, feminine beauty will melt my heart…:), empower me with her loyalty and passionate love and add her feminine spice..:).. to this exciting journey of life.

“I believe in the highest achievements in every aspect of life, constant growth, dynamic and positive outlook and a strong belief in one’s own destiny. I beileve in giving enormously by making the lives of many better. I am blessed with great intelligence, great looks.:), great health and great sense of humor, power of pursuation/expression, deep & intuitive inter-personal skills.. and charm..:), ..&; leadership by example! (I am not pursuated so far)

“Moreover, I am very direct &; assertive ( yet sophisticated), communicative, attentive, decisive with a great strategic mind. Having experienced world class education and training in an elite boarding school followed by a world class university education (Does that mean he won’t do cooter shooters?) I have developed balanced faculties of mind, and consequently a powerful intellect and a very principled & fact based balanced perspective & deep understanding of varied issues & life. I seek a woman who would appreciate a well rounded “James Bond” type…:) fun, creative, intellectual &; masculine man.
“I am extremely close to my family. I passionately love and respect my parents and my brothers/sisters. I have a close network of great friends (all over the world) and once I become your friend , it is for life. I have a very high standard of how I define the term “a friend” and only bring high calibre people with strong character, integrity and loyalty into my inner circle. (Is that like entourage? Because I really like that show)

“Deal Breakers: if you have negative outlook about life, are indecisive emotionally unstable (a lot of women are..;), judgmental, mentally ill , gold-diggers, sleezy bar hopping alcoholic, uneducated, close minded narcissist with IQ under 100…:), uninspired, jealous, possesive & insecure, poor people/relationship building skills, too hairy…at the wrong places…:) frigid…:) poor overall/oral hygiene…I can go on…:) it is almost comical to see this list in writing…:) I hope you are laughing!!! (instead of getting weeded out…:) (Does that mean I have to start washing my hair more than twice a week?  Because I can’t do that.)
Changing the subject, some of my manyHobbies: Flying (private pilot), travelling (building vacation homes), beaches, mountains, skiing, all sports (almost), reading, organic farms, charitable/environmental causes/charities, fine dinning, arts, music/movies to name a few.

I hope this gives you a glimpse of a few elements of who I could be for you. If you want to get to know me further, forward your contact info and suggest the best days and times to reach you. I look forward to our first conversation & meeting very soon.”

Again, I did not make this up. Any similarities or resemblance to persons not fictional were totally intended. This is a work of non-fiction.

And really, I just posted this to procrastinate washing my hair.

I didn’t make that up either.

My most favorite things about Spring
are
halter top strings
meandering down the center of a bare back
Standing next to spaghetti-strap spring dresses
and exposed legs
and flip flops
and all that blossoming proof that God took one look at Adam and said,
“Shit. Do over.”