“So this guy went out of his way not to talk to you?” he said. “That’s sad.”

Yes it is, isn’t it?

Fill in the blank at the end of the question:

After a week of badgering a woman to have sex with you in the middle of the night, she surprisingly does not arrive at your home at previously discussed (for various reasons, such as your earlier cancellation to watch baseball, your middle-of-the-night badgering and your expectation that she would arrive at your home ready to fuck you without so much as a “Hey, I’m home now” phone call), you text her the next night and say, “I thought you were coming over last night?” She does not respond. The next night, you call her and text her between the hours of midnight and 1 a.m. She does not respond. This leads you to believe she is done playing with you. So what you do is, you continue to text her between the hours of 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. all week. She never responds. You keep texting.

Fill in the blank: You behave this way because _________.

Bonus Points for the following word problem:

When the girl does not come over because you tell her you have to be somewhere at one, you console her by saying she can just come over later that night. You’ll be home around five or six, so what’s the big deal? When she does not come over, you text her the next night at 10:30 and say, “I thought you were coming over last night?”

When you behave in this manner, you are:

a) Just playing it cool

b) Making sure she does not feel smothered by your affections

c) a douchebag

d) In-bred

The answer is D. Because seriously, did it really take you 24 goddamn hours to notice she didn’t show up?

Congratulations, you are among the distinct ranks of men who have completely blown a sure thing.

I am never kidding about these things. Let’s all remember the one who pulled out to break up with me. Before he climaxed.

Alas, moving on. 

Answer the following multiple choice questions. You may not use your notes.

1) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. Your next move:

a) Text-blast all your buddies to tell them you got tele-laid.

b) Make arrangements to see her as soon possible and close the deal.

c) Call her the next night a little bit after midnight and ask her if she’s horny.

d) Don’t call her for three days. Everyone knows that rule.

2) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. The following Friday, she sends you text messages at work alluding to you, her and your desk. Sometimes she is on the desk, other times she is under it, depending on the text message. Words such as “Please” and “please, please, please” and “begging” are used, in addition to a phrase that went something like, “anything you want.” Your next move:

a) While she is in her heightened state, convince her to break her plans for that evening and go out with you instead.

b) Turn her messages into a PowerPoint and share them at work. This is too good to keep to yourself.

c) Nothing, you have plans to go out drinking with your roommate tonight.

d) That night, between the carefully selected hours of 12 a.m. and 2 a.m., text her twice and call her four times. This is an important phone call because this is when it is convenient for you to fuck her, and she is clearly doing nothing but lying around fingering her pussy and fantasizing about you anyway.

3) In response to some cajoling from you, this same girl (The Saturday, Wednesday, Friday girl) text messages at 4:30 Saturday morning with two texts that use the words “need,” “want,” and “you” in the same sentence. You see these when you wake up later in the morning. Your next move:

a) Call her. Get her all hot and bothered and then ask for her address. Google map it and head over there pronto.

b) Ask her out for that evening. This girl is officially begging for it.

c) Nothing.

d) Nothing.

4. This same girl (Saturday, Wednesday, Friday and early Saturday morning girl) calls at 1 p.m. Saturday afternoon. She leaves a message and uses the words “crazy”, “frustrated”, “wet”, “you”, and “when”, “when”, “when” in the same sentence.

a) You put her on speaker for all your friends to hear.

b) You say “Right now” and give her your address.

c) You torture her a little bit with some phone foreplay, then ask her out for that night.

d) Don’t respond.

5. That night, at the carefully chosen hour of 2 a.m. (see possible responses to question #2), you call this girl and ask her to come over. She says no, I have a migraine and am puking. Your next move:

a) Badger her to come over. Tell her migraines aren’t that bad.

b) Ask for her address. Come over and nurture her, because women go crazy for that shit.

c) Tell her you want to see her when she feels better and to call you.

d) Tell her to man up and come over and fuck you.

6. She responds that she’ll come over in the morning if she feels better. Your  next move:

a) Call her back twice and ask her what time.

b) Tell her you’ll be waiting with breakfast and warm hands.

c) Wash your sheets and buy condoms.

d) Call her back twice and ask her what time. Then call her at 9 a.m. and wake her up. Text her at 10:30 and ask her how long it’s going to be. Call her at 11:45 and ask her if she’s left the house yet, because you have to go and watch the baseball game with your buddies at 1 p.m.

If you answered c, d, c or d, d, a, d, then you too have just destroyed your opportunity to have sex with Mela. This is most likely because you are 26 years old and are still behaving as though you are in undergrad, when a man courted you by calling you at 2 a.m. and asking you to come over and fuck him. The fact that you are from Mississippi may have something to do with it. We hear y’all are in-bred down yonder.

The lesson we have learned here today is that even when a woman is begging you to fuck her, you cannot rely on her to fuck you at your convenience. It is best to book her time at least 24 hours in advance and refrain from rushing her so you can watch a baseball game. It is very, very difficult to ruin a sure thing, boys, and you have to try very, very hard to do it. As you can see, once a woman is hooked, she will put up with a lot of your bullcrap. This will last until you fail to close the deal by simply demonstrating your clear lack of skill and mojo.

We here at MelaLane.com, Inc., hope this has been a useful exercise for you. Please feel free to retain our services at any time.