I am never kidding about these things. Let’s all remember the one who pulled out to break up with me. Before he climaxed.

Alas, moving on. 

Answer the following multiple choice questions. You may not use your notes.

1) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. Your next move:

a) Text-blast all your buddies to tell them you got tele-laid.

b) Make arrangements to see her as soon possible and close the deal.

c) Call her the next night a little bit after midnight and ask her if she’s horny.

d) Don’t call her for three days. Everyone knows that rule.

2) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. The following Friday, she sends you text messages at work alluding to you, her and your desk. Sometimes she is on the desk, other times she is under it, depending on the text message. Words such as “Please” and “please, please, please” and “begging” are used, in addition to a phrase that went something like, “anything you want.” Your next move:

a) While she is in her heightened state, convince her to break her plans for that evening and go out with you instead.

b) Turn her messages into a PowerPoint and share them at work. This is too good to keep to yourself.

c) Nothing, you have plans to go out drinking with your roommate tonight.

d) That night, between the carefully selected hours of 12 a.m. and 2 a.m., text her twice and call her four times. This is an important phone call because this is when it is convenient for you to fuck her, and she is clearly doing nothing but lying around fingering her pussy and fantasizing about you anyway.

3) In response to some cajoling from you, this same girl (The Saturday, Wednesday, Friday girl) text messages at 4:30 Saturday morning with two texts that use the words “need,” “want,” and “you” in the same sentence. You see these when you wake up later in the morning. Your next move:

a) Call her. Get her all hot and bothered and then ask for her address. Google map it and head over there pronto.

b) Ask her out for that evening. This girl is officially begging for it.

c) Nothing.

d) Nothing.

4. This same girl (Saturday, Wednesday, Friday and early Saturday morning girl) calls at 1 p.m. Saturday afternoon. She leaves a message and uses the words “crazy”, “frustrated”, “wet”, “you”, and “when”, “when”, “when” in the same sentence.

a) You put her on speaker for all your friends to hear.

b) You say “Right now” and give her your address.

c) You torture her a little bit with some phone foreplay, then ask her out for that night.

d) Don’t respond.

5. That night, at the carefully chosen hour of 2 a.m. (see possible responses to question #2), you call this girl and ask her to come over. She says no, I have a migraine and am puking. Your next move:

a) Badger her to come over. Tell her migraines aren’t that bad.

b) Ask for her address. Come over and nurture her, because women go crazy for that shit.

c) Tell her you want to see her when she feels better and to call you.

d) Tell her to man up and come over and fuck you.

6. She responds that she’ll come over in the morning if she feels better. Your  next move:

a) Call her back twice and ask her what time.

b) Tell her you’ll be waiting with breakfast and warm hands.

c) Wash your sheets and buy condoms.

d) Call her back twice and ask her what time. Then call her at 9 a.m. and wake her up. Text her at 10:30 and ask her how long it’s going to be. Call her at 11:45 and ask her if she’s left the house yet, because you have to go and watch the baseball game with your buddies at 1 p.m.

If you answered c, d, c or d, d, a, d, then you too have just destroyed your opportunity to have sex with Mela. This is most likely because you are 26 years old and are still behaving as though you are in undergrad, when a man courted you by calling you at 2 a.m. and asking you to come over and fuck him. The fact that you are from Mississippi may have something to do with it. We hear y’all are in-bred down yonder.

The lesson we have learned here today is that even when a woman is begging you to fuck her, you cannot rely on her to fuck you at your convenience. It is best to book her time at least 24 hours in advance and refrain from rushing her so you can watch a baseball game. It is very, very difficult to ruin a sure thing, boys, and you have to try very, very hard to do it. As you can see, once a woman is hooked, she will put up with a lot of your bullcrap. This will last until you fail to close the deal by simply demonstrating your clear lack of skill and mojo.

We here at MelaLane.com, Inc., hope this has been a useful exercise for you. Please feel free to retain our services at any time.

Great and Powerful Best Friend: “Why are you having phone sex if you live in the same town?”

Right.

Note: When possible, date men who can benchpress at least 1.5 to two times your weight. It makes you feel really skinny.

Note: Ask male friends if telling a dude you want to ride him like a pogo stick is hot or laughable.

Note: “What the hell” is always the right decision.

Note: Ask November to validate self for engaging young man in phone sex. Ask him to give the talk that begins with, “Yes, you are still a good person, no, this does not make you less of a person, yes you are still worthwhile, something something something do it in the butt.”

In the morning, when you wake me up, caress my hair away from my face and say, “Hey pretty girl.”

That’s it, really. That’s all I require.

Just “Hey pretty girl.”

“You dirty little whirlwind

All caught up in the flesh of a girl.”

That’s a little more TV on the Radio- a song called Dirtywhirl

Today, I’m 31 years old. Want to know what I want for my birthday? Come closer.

I want a serenade…of sorts.

I want a very specific man to whisper, with his lips pressed against my ear,

“*I can barely move
For want of room
And I’m forgettin’ to breathe”

(with one hand tangled in my hair and the other…)

“But the sight of you
Has me instantly
Remember my needs”

(his mouth within striking distance)

“…I’m smellin’ your sweet…
Should I spend the next six hours
Tryin’ to get you
Off your feet?”

(yes)

“Oh no girl, just pretend
There ain’t no one else around

So let’s break it down”

(hands moving my hips…wherever…) 

“Watch a room full of roosters
Turned to cocks runnin’ wild
Scramblin’ like hungry dogs
Towards you, child

See those boys tryin’ to sweat you
Watchin’ grown men cry

Like you’re shakin’ it”

(pressing, pressing, pressing) 

“Put somethin’ in their eyes
…Wide open eyes

Well here I am
Just a man
Is this light flattering?
Did you notice my crown of feathers
And check out my vital vibrant comb?
Oh puff chest out and play strong”

(couldn’t miss it)
“Grab you by the hair and pull you along”

(wish you would)
“Or do I just talk to you
And tell you what I really
Really really want to do”

(please….)

“Stop because you think that you
Know where this is going
Couldn’t stop it girl
If you knew where this was going
You don’t know the half, girl”

(I’m betting on it)

“You seem so so smart
Ooh, but you’re so wrong”

(please prove me wrong)

“Let’s pursue this argument in darkness
Curtains drawn, limbs entwined

Now you’re two hours away
From starting your day
And you can’t be late
So let’s get straight

Let me wear you out
Let me wear you out.”

(That’s my birthday wish.)

*Lyrics to “Wear You Out” by TV on the Radio