Gay men and loose women are responsible for global warming.

That’s what I learned from a flyer that was left on my windshield while my car was parked at the airport.  I read it with great interest as I waited for the emergency assistance truck to come and jumpstart my battery.   Left the dome light on when I parked.  You know how it is.

So, this flyer said that the Bible clearly prophesies global warming. It says that if we break the laws of God, only they called him Yahweh, probably just to sound fancy, that we will burn in a scorching hell or some shit like that.  Specifically, it said that if we break the law about men lying down with men or women having sex out of wedlock we would burn up really fast.

What I don’t get is how straight men got off the hook.

Again.

Grown men are funny little creatures. They play with big toys and lots of money and they like to own things. They don’t really fight except over things they want to own, like land and resources and women, because those things give them more power than the other guy. If you take his house, the land it sits on, his access to water and his wife, you’ve pretty much made him your slave.

Big Business Boys are like that.

Nothing personal, Boys. I have to say that. It’s my way of taking back a little power, of regaining my footing. If I don’t belittle you, then I’m stuck staring down the reality of my subordination.

I think the Big Business Boys regard me as an oddity, but I can’t tell. Some of them give me a fair shake, some of them write me off immediately, all of them make verbal note of my minority status in their world. The last group rarely mean any harm. It’s natural to point out an aberration.

In every case, they always prove that if the world were a strip club, we could take over in a matter of seconds.

We are their most valuable commodity, and we will never be in short supply. Demand will never decrease. Men will always pay.

How we let you Boys take over the selling and the buying of us, I’ll never understand. Why we still seem to think that hiding our bodies under suits that look like yours is the only way to get ahead, I’ll never understand either. Actually, that one I understand. You still control the buying and the selling. Hence, the topography of our bodies commodifies us. Therefore, we hide it.

I usually picture the Beginning of Things like this:

At some point early on, you Boys started to get surly. You started to make rumblings about taking over the next village and so on and so forth. We looked at each other over the gaggle of babies in our midst, and the homefires we were tending, and rolled our eyes.

“Bless their hearts,” we said. “They’re just full of piss ‘n vinegar, now aren’t they? It’ll pass.”

And now we are looking around at our power suits and our burkas and head scarves and we’re like “WTF?”

But if the world were a strip club, you Boys would be on your knees. That is dependent, of course, on women regulating the industry. You Boys can’t be in charge of the buying and selling.

We all know that would never work. There’s too much to take care of, what with the world peace and global warming. We can’t be running around naked all the time. You Boys would bust a blood vessel, and we can’t have you overwhelming the Emergency Rooms. We’re going to need those for the 75 percent of the world that’s malnourished.

But don’t be surprise if you see my suits turn into dresses and my stare become just a scooch more lethal.

I’m sick of your shit. I want my piece of the pie back.

So, what this woman did was, she started her very own escort service, because she found other escort services were “lazy, seedy and incompetent.”

That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Good ol’ American entrepreneurship.

And take down a top government official while you’re at it.

Because we don’t do things half-ass here. No, no. Full-ass only.