Fill in the blank at the end of the question:

After a week of badgering a woman to have sex with you in the middle of the night, she surprisingly does not arrive at your home at previously discussed (for various reasons, such as your earlier cancellation to watch baseball, your middle-of-the-night badgering and your expectation that she would arrive at your home ready to fuck you without so much as a “Hey, I’m home now” phone call), you text her the next night and say, “I thought you were coming over last night?” She does not respond. The next night, you call her and text her between the hours of midnight and 1 a.m. She does not respond. This leads you to believe she is done playing with you. So what you do is, you continue to text her between the hours of 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. all week. She never responds. You keep texting.

Fill in the blank: You behave this way because _________.

Bonus Points for the following word problem:

When the girl does not come over because you tell her you have to be somewhere at one, you console her by saying she can just come over later that night. You’ll be home around five or six, so what’s the big deal? When she does not come over, you text her the next night at 10:30 and say, “I thought you were coming over last night?”

When you behave in this manner, you are:

a) Just playing it cool

b) Making sure she does not feel smothered by your affections

c) a douchebag

d) In-bred

The answer is D. Because seriously, did it really take you 24 goddamn hours to notice she didn’t show up?

Congratulations, you are among the distinct ranks of men who have completely blown a sure thing.

I am never kidding about these things. Let’s all remember the one who pulled out to break up with me. Before he climaxed.

Alas, moving on. 

Answer the following multiple choice questions. You may not use your notes.

1) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. Your next move:

a) Text-blast all your buddies to tell them you got tele-laid.

b) Make arrangements to see her as soon possible and close the deal.

c) Call her the next night a little bit after midnight and ask her if she’s horny.

d) Don’t call her for three days. Everyone knows that rule.

2) You meet a girl on Saturday. The following Wednesday, she engages you in phone sex. The following Friday, she sends you text messages at work alluding to you, her and your desk. Sometimes she is on the desk, other times she is under it, depending on the text message. Words such as “Please” and “please, please, please” and “begging” are used, in addition to a phrase that went something like, “anything you want.” Your next move:

a) While she is in her heightened state, convince her to break her plans for that evening and go out with you instead.

b) Turn her messages into a PowerPoint and share them at work. This is too good to keep to yourself.

c) Nothing, you have plans to go out drinking with your roommate tonight.

d) That night, between the carefully selected hours of 12 a.m. and 2 a.m., text her twice and call her four times. This is an important phone call because this is when it is convenient for you to fuck her, and she is clearly doing nothing but lying around fingering her pussy and fantasizing about you anyway.

3) In response to some cajoling from you, this same girl (The Saturday, Wednesday, Friday girl) text messages at 4:30 Saturday morning with two texts that use the words “need,” “want,” and “you” in the same sentence. You see these when you wake up later in the morning. Your next move:

a) Call her. Get her all hot and bothered and then ask for her address. Google map it and head over there pronto.

b) Ask her out for that evening. This girl is officially begging for it.

c) Nothing.

d) Nothing.

4. This same girl (Saturday, Wednesday, Friday and early Saturday morning girl) calls at 1 p.m. Saturday afternoon. She leaves a message and uses the words “crazy”, “frustrated”, “wet”, “you”, and “when”, “when”, “when” in the same sentence.

a) You put her on speaker for all your friends to hear.

b) You say “Right now” and give her your address.

c) You torture her a little bit with some phone foreplay, then ask her out for that night.

d) Don’t respond.

5. That night, at the carefully chosen hour of 2 a.m. (see possible responses to question #2), you call this girl and ask her to come over. She says no, I have a migraine and am puking. Your next move:

a) Badger her to come over. Tell her migraines aren’t that bad.

b) Ask for her address. Come over and nurture her, because women go crazy for that shit.

c) Tell her you want to see her when she feels better and to call you.

d) Tell her to man up and come over and fuck you.

6. She responds that she’ll come over in the morning if she feels better. Your  next move:

a) Call her back twice and ask her what time.

b) Tell her you’ll be waiting with breakfast and warm hands.

c) Wash your sheets and buy condoms.

d) Call her back twice and ask her what time. Then call her at 9 a.m. and wake her up. Text her at 10:30 and ask her how long it’s going to be. Call her at 11:45 and ask her if she’s left the house yet, because you have to go and watch the baseball game with your buddies at 1 p.m.

If you answered c, d, c or d, d, a, d, then you too have just destroyed your opportunity to have sex with Mela. This is most likely because you are 26 years old and are still behaving as though you are in undergrad, when a man courted you by calling you at 2 a.m. and asking you to come over and fuck him. The fact that you are from Mississippi may have something to do with it. We hear y’all are in-bred down yonder.

The lesson we have learned here today is that even when a woman is begging you to fuck her, you cannot rely on her to fuck you at your convenience. It is best to book her time at least 24 hours in advance and refrain from rushing her so you can watch a baseball game. It is very, very difficult to ruin a sure thing, boys, and you have to try very, very hard to do it. As you can see, once a woman is hooked, she will put up with a lot of your bullcrap. This will last until you fail to close the deal by simply demonstrating your clear lack of skill and mojo.

We here at MelaLane.com, Inc., hope this has been a useful exercise for you. Please feel free to retain our services at any time.

Great and Powerful Best Friend: “Why are you having phone sex if you live in the same town?”

Right.

Note: When possible, date men who can benchpress at least 1.5 to two times your weight. It makes you feel really skinny.

Note: Ask male friends if telling a dude you want to ride him like a pogo stick is hot or laughable.

Note: “What the hell” is always the right decision.

Note: Ask November to validate self for engaging young man in phone sex. Ask him to give the talk that begins with, “Yes, you are still a good person, no, this does not make you less of a person, yes you are still worthwhile, something something something do it in the butt.”

In the morning, when you wake me up, caress my hair away from my face and say, “Hey pretty girl.”

That’s it, really. That’s all I require.

Just “Hey pretty girl.”

“Every dude in this bar is wearing a polo shirt.”

She scanned the bar. Which also happened to be in a basement, making it both really dark and a bit of a fire hazard.

“There does seem to be a disproportionate amount of polo shirts in here,” she said. She made the weighing scales motion with her hands, one hand up, the other down, up and down, up and down. “That should be a key factor in our assessment of bars: the ratio polo shirts to t-shirts. Disporportionate polo shirts. What do you think that means?”

“I think it means all these guys are east coast,” I said.

“Is that bad?”

“Yeah, dude. It means these boys come from breeding,” I continued. “They’ve been bred. It means they went to private schools for high school and then moved on to the Ivy League, or even worse private liberal arts schools in Maine, like Bowdoin.”

“Where?” she asked.

“Exactly.”

Girls from west of the Mississippi have not only never heard of colleges like Bowdoin, we think that they are gay. Just like polo shirts.

“I see,” she said. “These boys are pedigree.”

“Dude, exactly. Pedigree. And we don’t have any of that where we come from. The only Pedigree we have is dog food.”*

“These people are dog food,” she said.

“Yup, this is a total dog food bar,” I said. “Dude, I think my big ginormous purse is a turn-off. I think it’s scaring boys away.”

“What?”

“Look at that girl over there, she looks really cute, but then she has that ginormous purse, and that just says ‘I’m high maintenance,’ and that’s a problem for these dog food people. I think I need to leave my big purse at home, it’s definitely working against us.”

I decided to continue talking because this monologue seemed to be animating my mojo.

“Plus, I think we need to look really engaged, like we didn’t just come here to scam on boys, like we came here for the obvious ambience and each other’s engaging company. Like when I just laughed really huge and loud, that looked like we were really intriguing and didn’t give a fuck about the boys around us. That makes boys want you. When you don’t give a fuck about them.”

“Right,” she said. “Like when I did that weighing scales move with my hands, that looked really engaging. Boys looked at us and they didn’t know if we were talking about a math problem or a new algorithim or what. They would have to come and talk to us.”

“Exactly.”

“Let’s leave.”

“Yeah, I feel like we need to leave before some boy from Bowdoin tries to diss us because we aren’t dog food.”

“Do you need to use the ladies’ or anything?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back.”

I walked over to the ladies’, which was really a joint men’s and ladies’. Some dude in a pink polo shirt snarled at me.

“The line starts back here,” he said.

Oooooh. I bet he gets laid left and right. I decided I didn’t need to use the ladies’ that badly.

“Dude, let’s leave,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said. “Let’s leave.”

I guess we showed them.

*In my reteling of these events, the dialogue is sometimes punched up a bit to make me sound funnier than I really am. I never do this for her. That’s because it’s my blog. If you want the version where she’s funny, you have to go to her blog