I’m going to buy a coat with a fake fur collar and when people get indignant and ask, “Is that real fur?” I’m going to say, “Yes. It’s made from puppies.”

That’s hilarious.

I did not use my regular locksmith this time, as I threw away his card. Last time this happened, my landlord told me to just give him a call and he would let me in, no locksmith needed. That was after he completely replaced the deadbolt on my door because the locksmith had to drill through it.

I thought that third locksmith was fairly poor. The first two locksmiths picked the lock no problem. But that third one- he tried for a solid 20 minutes and then he had to bust out the drill. One of my neighbors poked his head out to inquire about the ruckus. Once he saw it was me, he poked his head right back into his apartment, as he hates me. He threatened to sue me when the City Paper hired me. I thought that was a bit extreme. He was really worried I was going to write about him, even though nothing ever goes on in his life. I know because I live about four feet away from him.

This locksmith didn’t even give it 20 minutes. He looked at the lock and said, “Oh…this is not good.” Apparently my landlord installed the mother of all locks.

It’s times like this I wish I knew a really accomplished burglar. 

I tried to take notes during the picking of the lock, so I would be prepared should this happen again in the future, the likelihood of which is apparently quite high. That, however, did me no good.

He had to bust out the drill.

I stepped away during the drilling process, as there were slivers of metal flying everywhere and I was not equipped with the appropriate eyewear. Neither was the locksmith, which concerned me, but who am I, the eyewear police?

Apparently, my neighbors are not any kind of police either. No one poked their heads out this time to inquire about the ruckus, which was occurring at 10:30 at night. They did not seem to be too concerned about any drilling that was going on in the building. That made me feel not very safe.Considering the last drilling took place more than a year ago, it’s not like this is a regular event.  And this was some serious drilling, as far as drilling goes. Three drill bits broke off in the bolt during the process. So it’s not like it was amatuer drill night or anything. This was a decent-sized ruckus.

Note to self: If self is experiencing abnormal ruckus late at night, neighbors will not be alarmed. Learn judo.

Thankfully for everyone, he finally cracked the mother-lock. Most thankfully for me, because I really needed to use the ladies’ room. Plus, I live there. It’s where all my stuff is.

I’m going to try and avoid a repeat performance of the lock situation. It’s getting a little tedious. And I don’t know how my landlord will feel about changing my lock on a regular basis.

This is yet another reason everyone should know a really accomplished burglar.

 Also, there was a bug in my hair today at work. You know what that is? FUCKING GROSS.

This young man recently contacted me via an online dating site. His profile is as follows: –I’ve bolded my personal favorite parts and added some of my own commentary in italics. I’d post a red-line version to correct his world-class grammar, but this blogging software doesn’t support that. And that would be douche-baggy.–

Insert Douchebaggy Screen Name, Left Out To Save My Ass From Libel Charges Should Someone Actually Locate This Blog, Know This Guy And Get Persnickity

“I am 6ft, 195lbs, athletic and considered “tall, dark and sexy..” by all women…:) I did not post close up pics for privacy reasons. ( plus I don’t want you to love/lust after me only for my looks …:) Therefore, do not ask for additional photos (just because you have posted a lot of yours …:) Instead, meet me in person…;;;; and fall in love/ or lust …:)

“My decision to maintain my online privacy was based strictly on my involvement in high profile business ventures. Nothing else. My time is extremely valuable and limited to devote to this online process. I prefer the initial exchange of information/introduction over the phone. If we click mentally, only then we should meet. I absolutely do not want to waste my time (& yours). I believe my suggested logical and interactive filtering process could help accomplish this objective. If you agree, continue reading and I would love to get to know you further. (No thanks, I prefer my mandated illogical and isolated filtering process)

“I am looking for a genuinely feminine woman with an outgoing personality, confidence, positive mental attitude, and a true passion to live life to the fullest. If you see yourself with a very successful, and confident man and have the depth of personality, and a great sense of humor, you and I probably will get along. I seek a woman who with her sensual, feminine beauty will melt my heart…:), empower me with her loyalty and passionate love and add her feminine spice..:).. to this exciting journey of life.

“I believe in the highest achievements in every aspect of life, constant growth, dynamic and positive outlook and a strong belief in one’s own destiny. I beileve in giving enormously by making the lives of many better. I am blessed with great intelligence, great looks.:), great health and great sense of humor, power of pursuation/expression, deep & intuitive inter-personal skills.. and charm..:), ..&; leadership by example! (I am not pursuated so far)

“Moreover, I am very direct &; assertive ( yet sophisticated), communicative, attentive, decisive with a great strategic mind. Having experienced world class education and training in an elite boarding school followed by a world class university education (Does that mean he won’t do cooter shooters?) I have developed balanced faculties of mind, and consequently a powerful intellect and a very principled & fact based balanced perspective & deep understanding of varied issues & life. I seek a woman who would appreciate a well rounded “James Bond” type…:) fun, creative, intellectual &; masculine man.
“I am extremely close to my family. I passionately love and respect my parents and my brothers/sisters. I have a close network of great friends (all over the world) and once I become your friend , it is for life. I have a very high standard of how I define the term “a friend” and only bring high calibre people with strong character, integrity and loyalty into my inner circle. (Is that like entourage? Because I really like that show)

“Deal Breakers: if you have negative outlook about life, are indecisive emotionally unstable (a lot of women are..;), judgmental, mentally ill , gold-diggers, sleezy bar hopping alcoholic, uneducated, close minded narcissist with IQ under 100…:), uninspired, jealous, possesive & insecure, poor people/relationship building skills, too hairy…at the wrong places…:) frigid…:) poor overall/oral hygiene…I can go on…:) it is almost comical to see this list in writing…:) I hope you are laughing!!! (instead of getting weeded out…:) (Does that mean I have to start washing my hair more than twice a week?  Because I can’t do that.)
Changing the subject, some of my manyHobbies: Flying (private pilot), travelling (building vacation homes), beaches, mountains, skiing, all sports (almost), reading, organic farms, charitable/environmental causes/charities, fine dinning, arts, music/movies to name a few.

I hope this gives you a glimpse of a few elements of who I could be for you. If you want to get to know me further, forward your contact info and suggest the best days and times to reach you. I look forward to our first conversation & meeting very soon.”

Again, I did not make this up. Any similarities or resemblance to persons not fictional were totally intended. This is a work of non-fiction.

And really, I just posted this to procrastinate washing my hair.

I didn’t make that up either.

This picture was taken on his last birthday. Ever.

I’m standing behind his chair and leaning in, so our heads are next to each other and I have a big happy birthday smile. I remember being surprised the first time I saw this picture, because he’s smiling so much his face his flushed. He looks like he’s laughing.

You can tell how much we look alike in this picture. Sometimes it’s hard to tell because of his full beard, the extra weight around his face and wear and tear that came from being 30 years ahead of me, seven major surgeries and three rounds of chemo/radiation.

But in this picture, you can see very clearly that this is my father.

When my father went in for his sixth major surgery, we were waiting with him in the OR prep room. The P.A. said, “We need some O+ blood for Mr. Lane, please,” and I said, “Dad! I have O+ blood too!” and the P.A. said, without even looking up from the chart, “Well congratualtions Mr. Lane. That means you’re her father.”

“Oh.”

That was a bit deflating.

So while we already had hard evidence that the family blood lines were solid, it’s nice to have this one picture, where you can see the man’s face in his daughter. And all because he’s smiling.

Today is a review of various dangerous things, because we all need a good reminder. For example, all men need to get annual check-ups for colon and prostate cancer.  I know they are uncomfortable exams.  I don’t give a shit.  Suck it up and save your life.

Along the same lines, all women need to get annual pap smears.  I know they are uncomfortable.  I don’t give a shit.  Suck it up and save your life.

While we are discussing different ways to save your life, let’s add this one: look carefully before you commit to someone.  Predators are not clearly marked.  Things to watch out for (these all refer to ‘he’ because I’m a girl):

1. He won’t introduce you to his family: There’s usually a reason for that. Like his wife or his girlfriend or something like that.
2. He doesn’t like you to spend time your own family: There’s usually a reason for that too, like it’s easier to make you feel like shit about yourself when there’s no one around to tell you differently.  And it’s easier to control you if there’s no one else for you to depend on.
3. He hits on your girlfriends:  What better way to get rid of your girlfriends and make you insecure? If you think you’re going to lose him, you’re easier to manipulate.
4. Relationship problems are always your fault:  For example, you fight all the time because you are unreasonable, demanding and insecure.  He didn’t come home last night because you’ve made home an uncomfortable place by causing fights all the time.
5. He’s rude to your friends and colleagues: Again, easier to control you if he pushes away your support group.
6. There are lots of emergencies and he has to break dates, or he can only call during certain times: That’s usually ’cause of his wife or girlfriend, too.
7. He always borrows money: Seriously, he’s a big boy, he can support himself.
8. Pacing: If he starts out being into you 24/7, it’s not infatuation. It’s smothering.
9. He’s armed: Seriously, if he has access to a weapon, make sure he respects it. Dude get funny around guns- they either know a gun’s power and respect it or they start swaggering around like John Wayne with an itchy trigger finger.
10. He’s rude to the waitress: If he’s rude to the waitress, have no doubt that’s how he’ll be treating you in three months. 

Seriously.  This happens to smart women all the time.  Look for the red flags and listen to your gut.  And don’t stick random shit up your nose.

Recently, I have begun using Burt’s Bees line of facial products. They are made with honey, oranges and royal jelly. Royal jelly is this stuff that worker bees feed to the queen bee, and it the reason the queen lives 40 times longer and is 50 percent bigger than her minions.

That means that my face is going to live 40 times longer than the rest of me and will be 50 percent bigger in no time.

So watch out.

As a side not, there are going to be a lot of spam comments to deal with because of the title of this post. Spam comments suck. They rarely actually show up on the site, but they get e-mailed to me and I have to confirm they are spam. All 50 million of them. Everyday. That’s just another reason it’s really hard to be me.

That’s what I learned from a flyer that was left on my windshield while my car was parked at the airport.  I read it with great interest as I waited for the emergency assistance truck to come and jumpstart my battery.   Left the dome light on when I parked.  You know how it is.

So, this flyer said that the Bible clearly prophesies global warming. It says that if we break the laws of God, only they called him Yahweh, probably just to sound fancy, that we will burn in a scorching hell or some shit like that.  Specifically, it said that if we break the law about men lying down with men or women having sex out of wedlock we would burn up really fast.

What I don’t get is how straight men got off the hook.

Again.