http://www.melalane.com/melapress Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:51:54 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Last night, I did the dishes for the first time since 2007. Then I cleaned the 200-year old linoleum that serves as the floor in my "kitchen." With Windex. And a dishtowel. It was all I had. http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2008/06/12/dirty/ http://youtube.com/watch?v=e9jO1PkI_Lk http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2008/05/20/boo/ This is my new idea for winter. It's awesome. I'm going to buy a coat with a fake fur collar and when people get indignant and ask, "Is that real fur?" I'm going to say, "Yes. It's made from puppies." That's hilarious. http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/10/16/puppies-or-kittens-will-work/ Last night, I locked myself out of my apartment. For the fourth time. I did not use my regular locksmith this time, as I threw away his card. Last time this happened, my landlord told me to just give him a call and he would let me in, no locksmith needed. ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/10/04/people-everyone-should-know/ Ok, people I am in the Homeland all week for a conference. I am in very high demand these days, you know. The point is, don't nobody start saying shit about this being a ghost blog, ok y'all?  Also, there was a bug in my hair today at work. You know ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/24/the-status/ I so totally did not make this up. Wanna know how you know that I didn't make this up? BECAUSE I AM NOT THIS FUCKING TALENTED. THERE IS NO WAY I COULD MAKE UP SOMETHING THIS GOOD. This is sheer poetry. This young man recently contacted me via an online dating site. ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/17/i-am-so-for-serious-right-now/ This is my favorite picture of me and my dad. Even though you my upper arm looks fat and you can see the blemish near my shoulder, and my hair looks like it needs to brushed, because it needs to be brushed. This picture was taken on his last birthday. Ever. I'm ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/14/94/ There are some things you shouldn't do, like stick things up your nose or put icky things in your mouth.  When I was in kindergarten, this boy in my class, his name was Terry, stuck the wheel of a matchbox car up his nose and his mom had to come ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/10/dangerous/ Everything that honeybees do rocks the free world. And the oppressed world, the developing world, countries in transition, failed or failing states as determined by USAID criteria, and Canada, also referred to as "America's Hat." Recently, I have begun using Burt's Bees line of facial products. They are made with honey, oranges ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/06/50-percent-bigger/ Gay men and loose women are responsible for global warming. That's what I learned from a flyer that was left on my windshield while my car was parked at the airport.  I read it with great interest as I waited for the emergency assistance truck to come and jumpstart my battery.   ... http://www.melalane.com/melapress/2007/09/04/apparently-its-my-fault/